va córrer la veu que eixia la següent persona amb qui vaig començar a parlar, encara que només érem amics. Al cap de sis mesos ja m’havia gitat amb huit persones en la meua àrea. Saps? I jo feia bromes dient: “Sóc un semental. Ai no! Sóc una xica, no puc ser un semental.” Intentava llevar-li importància, però al mateix temps era molt feridor i m’estaven assetjant. Gent a qui jo ni tan sols coneixia parlava de mi. Un amic meu, Jeff, m’estava defenent en un dels llocs on treballa: en el departament, la gent estava parlant de mi i ell s’hi va acostar i els va dir: “La coneixeu? “Heu parlat amb ella?” I ells van dir: “No, però n’hem sentit coses.” I ell els va dir: “Bé, perquè si no la coneixeu, hauríeu de callar.” Així que algunes persones em defenien, però amb el pas dels anys les coses havien anat a pitjor. És una cosa que em repugna -més que cap altra cosa- , la gent que fa córrer rumors, perquè és una forma d’assetjament, i l’assetjament és inacceptable estigues on estigues. Woman (left screen) When I was about eleven years old, my mom decided she should start dating this man who I didn’t trust, and I didn’t like him. And for very good reason too, it turns out. He ended up molesting me for about three years. As I got older he started stopping because, I guess I was older and he liked younger girls. During that time I went to extraordinarily dark place. I always had razors, I was prepared to kill myself. I always had those sorts of thoughts and I started smoking a lot of pot and drinking and, you know, I was twelve. It’s really destructive behavior, and I was really depressed. I didn’t understand how sexuality was supposed to work. I was lost. I was alone, and I tried to talk to my mom about it, and she just said that 40 was his way of showing affection. So I had no one, and I knew that if I said anything I would lose my mom. I’d be put in child services and I’d be lost in the system and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that at all. I was afraid. So I continually allowed myself to be victimized. I allowed myself to be dominated. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless I modeled underwear, or got fingered, or bunch of that sort of behavior I supposed. I was almost like a, I guess, a sex slave. Not really, but, in a way. It was always held over my head that my room and board being paid for, that I somehow owed being taken care of, and I believed it. I didn’t know any better. So, luckily, I ended up getting away, but I’m left with so much trauma from the whole experience. So much pain, and so much insecurity, and so much self doubt, and so much fear. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that I’m damaged goods. I’m afraid that I’ll never be whole. That what was taken can never be given back, and I’m afraid that I’ll hurt myself and choose bad relationships in the future. I’m afraid that I’ll never be free of this. I am just terrified that my whole life is going to be defined by it, and it feels like it already has been, and I don’t want that. I’m afraid that the choices I make are going to be self destructive, and some of them have been. I’m so afraid that he will always have control over me, and that’s the worst feeling. He may not be here, he may not be in my life, but it feels like he always will be. I don’t think he deserves that. I’m just terrified that I’ll be stuck forever. Dona (pantalla esquerra) Quan tenia uns onze anys, ma mare va decidir eixir amb un home en qui jo no confiava i que a mi no m’agradava. I resulta que jo tenia les meues raons. Aquest tipus va acabar abusant de mi durant uns tres anys. Al fer-me major va començar a deixar-ho (supose que jo era major i a ell li agradaven les xiquetes menudes). Durant aquest temps em vaig sumir en la més profunda foscor. Sempre tenia fulles a mà, preparada per a suïcidar-me. Sempre vaig tindre aquests pensaments i vaig començar a fumar molta herba i a beure. I tenia dotze anys, saps? És un comportament molt destructiu, i estava molt deprimida. No entenia com havia de funcionar la sexualitat. Estava perduda. Estava sola i vaig intentar parlar-ne amb mon mare,
Gillian Wearing
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