I grew up in a very large family and there wasn’t much parental control. There was an awful lot of kids running wild, you know, ten kids in the family. And I can’t kind of remember when or where it started, the abuse, but I do remember feeling like it was the most shameful thing in the whole wide world. I think maybe I was about eight, nine years old, and I felt first of all that, I couldn’t tell anybody because I didn’t think anybody would actually believe me. And, it became the kind of norm for me, and I don’t know how long it went on for, but I do remember feelings of shame, embarrassment and wanting to kind of hide myself away from everybody. The worst thing of all was that my mother knew it was going on, and she tried to stop it, but my mother was quite weak, and my older brother was quite a strong man, and he wouldn’t listen to her. He used to lock me in the bedroom and she would bang at the door, and he wouldn’t listen to her, and I was subjected to being sexually abused, for what seemed like hours. There were times when I thought that perhaps it was my fault. Maybe I did something to deserve it. I was never quite sure what was going on with me. So when I talked to my counsellor about the possibility of speaking to my brother about what happened, we kind of agreed that it was actually going to be a good idea to do that. So, I phoned my brother and I asked him to come and see me. He lives in London as well. And I said to him I was having issues, and some difficulties in moving forward with my life, because of the abuse. And I was absolutely shocked and horrified when he said that he had no memory of that ever happening, and that he’d never do something like that. And he actually got quite defensive and probably a bit angry as well, and he said with that revelation, he was finding it difficult to cope with it and I said that I wasn’t 71 saying that to him because I wanted to actually get back at him or anything, it was more of, I needed to say it because I didn’t want it to be a secret, any longer. And he stayed at my house, we were talking for about half an hour, and he left feeling absolutely shocked, and couldn’t speak to me for months and months, and I’m very close to his children, my nieces and nephews, and very close to his partner as well. That was some years ago. Him and I haven’t talked about it at all since then, but there have been kind of awkward moments when the subject of, sex comes up and he kind of averts his eyes downwards as if he can’t bear to meet mine. But I think on the other hand I actually do feel a little bit guilty for saying that to him, because he had no recollection of it. So I guess, I didn’t do him much good to be honest, me saying that to him, but it certainly did me some good, in terms of, it’s not something I have to carry around on my own any more; he knows about it now as well. Vaig créixer en una família gran i mai vam tindre molt control per part dels meus pares. Hi havia moltíssims xiquets corrents sense control, saps?, érem deu xiquets en la família. I en realitat no em recorde de com o quan va començar, l’abús, però sí que recorde sentir que era la cosa més vergonyosa del món. Crec que potser tindria uns huit o nou anys, i la primera cosa que vaig sentir va ser que no podia dir-se’l a ningú perquè pensava que ningú em creuria de veritat. I es va convertir en una espècie de costum per a mi, i no sé quant va durar, però sí que recorde sentir pena i vergonya, i voler amagar-me de tot el món. El pitjor de tot és que ma mare sabia que allò estava passant, i va intentar detindre-ho, però ma mare era prou dèbil, i el meu germà major era un home prou fort, i no l’escoltava. Ell em tancava en l’habitació i ella colpejava la porta, i ell no l’escoltava, i jo vaig ser sotmesa a l’abús sexual, durant el que pareixien hores. Hi havia vegades en què pensava que potser era culpa meua. Tal vegada hi havia fet quelcom per a meréixer-ho. Mai no vaig estar completament segura de què m’estava passant. Així que quan vaig parlar amb el meu terapeuta sobre la possibilitat de parlar amb el meu germà del que havia passat, vam estar d’acord que seria una bona idea fer-ho. Així que vaig cridar el meu germà i li vaig demanar que vinguera a veure’m.
Gillian Wearing
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