believe what was going on in some of these sites. But, I was so lonely that, I thought I’d put a profile up. Well, in no time at all I was having loads of answers from men, I’ve not had so much attention in all my life. And I started to make arrangements to meet them, not realising I think, in the back of my mind, what was expected of me. It was hard, but I still wanted to experience some of life, I suppose. I first met one man, and I was so nervous but it just seemed so natural to him. It was just sex, and then goodbye. Well, I couldn’t believe it, but then I wanted more because, it was giving me company, I felt like I was wanted. Even though, in normal everyday life I didn’t get any attention whatsoever. Well anyway, I started meeting quite a lot of men, and then I became a little bit disheartened because it came to mind that they didn’t really want me, as myself, I was just an object. And, I don’t know, I still carried on. And then I met this man I really really liked. He got me to join an adult club, a swingers club. Now this was another direction my life had never taken, never thought of taking before. I arranged to meet him at this club, and when I got there, it was really nice. It was a bar, with chairs, settees, really comfortable. People were really friendly, there was no pressure whatsoever to do anything you didn’t want to do. Well this man showed me around the club, and there was different rooms for different things. There was a room where couples would go, there was a room where people could watch, it was just unbelievable, it was so far out of my mind, I couldn’t believe it. But, anyway, I don’t know what came over me that night, but I agreed to have sex with him in one of the rooms, but not where everyone could watch. And while we was having sex, one his friends joined, and it was such an experience. Afterwards, I felt alive, but I felt so disgusted with myself. But this man seemed to bring out the worst in me because I really liked him, and I thought he really liked me. But after that night it was, oh, weeks and weeks before I see him again, he always had some excuse, he was going to come to see me and then he couldn’t, always some excuse. Well then one night, he said, ‘I’m taking you out’. He said. ‘I’ll pick you up, with a couple of friends, but they’ve got to go out first, and then they’ll take us 69 to the club.’ So I said fine, fair enough. And I got all ready. They picked me up. While we were going along, I found out that they were dogging. Now, I don’t know if you know what dogging is –it’s in a car park, you go to cars and join in with sex with strangers. Well I didn’t want anything to do with it. And I said to my friend, I said, ‘no, I’ll stay in the car and I’ll wait’. Which is what I did. And I couldn’t believe, they were so involved, they had night vision and everything. And, after that night, I just had stop seeing him. I said, ‘that’s all because you’re just trying to drag me into things I don’t want to be in, I want a relationship with you’. But obviously he didn’t really want a relationship. He just wanted someone that he could have sex with when and where he wanted. So I gave him up, but I still carried on with some of the chat sites. And then I got chatting to this lady, and she was into historical reconstructions. So I said, ‘oh, I’m quite interested in that’. So she said, ‘oh, come and spend the weekend’. I was very naïve –I went. And when I got there, I found out her and her husband were swingers and they wanted me to join them in bed. I was there for the weekend, I was so uncomfortable, that I felt I couldn’t say no. Well I did that. I joined them, and then once I got home I just wiped all the adult sites and everything off of my computer, because I felt that I’d degraded myself so much, and if my family ever found out what I’d done, they’d disown me. They really would, because to me I was their mum, who would never ever do anything like that. And so now I lead quite a lonely life, but I’m determined I will never ever let myself be used, or want to be used like that again. 5. Supose que la meua història comença quan em vaig separar del meu marit. Portava 31 anys casada. Jo sóc una persona molt moralitzadora. Sempre he cregut a tindre una sola parella. Si eres casat, llavors tens una parella i ja està, res fora del matrimoni, sempre he pensat així. Portava separada quatre anys i mig, no havia tingut parella, ni a penes vaig tindre vida social, i llavors em vaig ficar en Internet. Vaig començar a entrar en xats, de forma prou innocent, només per a trobar amics, en realitat. Només per a xarrar de coses quotidianes, i llavors una nit estava parlant amb
Gillian Wearing
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