amb ell. I en realitat no vull guardar aquest secret, però no puc, no puc dir-li-ho, si ni tan sols puc dir-ho als meus amics, no puc dir-ho a ell a la cara per com li afectaria això. I’m having an affair. My husband has no idea. He doesn’t know that I’m half planning on leaving him. He certainly doesn’t know that if I do leave I’m planning on leaving the country. My parents don’t know. I’ve lied to my friends, I’ve lied to my husband, I’ve even lied to my lover. He thinks if I leave that I’m going to him. I’m not. He also thinks that I’m having a lot of trouble at home with my husband, which isn’t true. I’m just bored, in fact. I don’t think I can be faithful to anyone. I’ve even been unfaithful to my lover. My lover really thinks that I’ll be moving in with him and we’ll travel the world together. I’ve let him think that. His friends believe that too. In fact half his friends don’t even know I’m married –he didn’t see the point in telling them. Because he thought that I was going to leave my husband for him. My parents really have no idea. They would be so upset, if they thought that I would be unfaithful to my husband, without a doubt, particularly with the person I’m being unfaithful with, and certainly they would be devastated to think that I would leave the country, and, abandon them. But I’m going to. Even my best friend has no idea what’s going to happen in the next six months. I’ve lied to her. I’ve put up this interesting web of lies that tell half truths about the nature of friendship that I have with my lover – that we’re just very very close friends. Other friends know that we’re, or think that we’re friends with 67 benefits, which isn’t true either. I don’t even think there is a truth any more, I think have no idea what it is. I think I’m simplifying it a bit as well. I got married and never intended this to happen. I didn’t think I was lying whenever I said my vows, but I was, I didn’t think that I would meet someone else that I’d care about quite a lot. Unfortunately, I actually care about both men, but, I think I’m too selfish for both of them. I’ve been really manipulating them both, I’ve been a completely different person and neither of them’s really me. Instead I’m using them, and I’m using everyone I come across in the same way, to get ahead and get away. My lover thinks I’m much more chilled out and relaxed than I actually am, but it suits me to behave that way around him, while he’s used to me, and my husband thinks I’m much more severe, and sharp than I actually am, but it stops him questioning me. So, I haven’t let either of them really get to know me. I need to make sure that I can leave my husband with the mininum amount of waves, so I’m actually manipulating him into having an affair. I’m pushing him together with friends until it’ll be almost impossible for him not to. And I think I’m being quite cruel but he... he bores me, and I want rid of him. I’ve even implied to a lot of his friends that he’s having an affair, then I can look terribly wounded whenever the marriage ends. I think I’ve lied too much actually, I’m not entirely sure when I’m telling the truth, or if my emotions are true. Whenever I react to either my husband or my lover, or something I say, I’m not so sure that I’m reacting because it’s the way I naturally react or I’m reacting because that’s the way it suits me to react and suits them for me to react. I feel sorry for them. Neither of them know me. But not sorry enough to actually let them in. My husband’s youth has run out, and my lover has a sell-by date on him too. Tinc una aventura. El meu marit en no té ni idea. Ell no sap que estic mig plantejant-me deixar-lo. Definitivament no sap que si el deixe m’estic plantejant anar-me’n del país. Els meus pares no ho saben. He mentit els meus amics, he mentit al meu marit, fins he mentit al meu amant. Ell creu que si me’n vaig, me’n vaig amb ell. No és així. També creu que estic tenint molts problemes a casa amb el meu marit, la qual
Gillian Wearing
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