Woman (left screen) I’m talking about a fear today, ever since childhood I’ve had these nightmares and I keep seeing this strange pattern that makes me so nauseated that’s it’s all I can do to keep from losing my lunch. I don’t know what causes it I am just really really upset by it, it doesn’t make any sense. I can’t describe it perfectly it’s not just any swirling pattern it swirls counter clockwise and it looks like a barber pole on the end or something. I had a teddy bear when I was a child and this teddy bear, I loved him he was my best friend but he had these two swirling patterns in his fur that did the same thing and when I would see those two swirling patterns it would actually make me sick and afraid and afraid of him, I wouldn’t look at him, I liked the bear, it was one of the few toys I had that was really nice, so like I would cover them up, eventually the fur at the top on his head where the one paw is, it wore off but the one on his hip never did. Even at then end when I was an adult I couldn’t look at that pattern without getting sick. I have tried to trace it, it doesn’t seem to be like a hypnotic thing, it doesn’t seem to be like anything I have seen, I have never been caught in a whirlpool or anything like that. I have never fallen down in anything that would look like a swirling thing if I fell and it doesn’t have anything to do with drains. I have no idea at all what causes it. I have had fear of the dark and other things like that that I have confronted them by shutting myself in a dark room. But I can’t find a way to confront this even. And when I see this pattern my whole life gets disrupted for the whole day my life will be messed up if I see that pattern. I don’t even have to see it directly. I can see it like in peripheral vision or something and it will effect me and later I will remember that I did see it. As soon as I recognize it … 35 even now when I am talking about it my shoulders, toes and arms are getting all tense. I can’t even talk about this thing, it scares me so badly and I have no idea why as it is only a pattern. It shouldn’t make that much difference. it’s nothing like it’s attacking me or anything else. I have no idea what causes it, but it causes total panic in my system when ever I have to see it Dona (pantalla esquerra) Parle hui d’una por. Des de la meua infància he tingut malsons i continue veient aquest patró estrany que em provoca tantes nàusees que he de fer un esforç per a no vomitar l’esmorzar. No sé què el provoca, només que m’afecta molt, no té sentit. No puc descriure’l a la perfecció, no és només un patró qualsevol d’espirals, roden en el sentit contrari al del rellotge i pareix un pal de barber en la punta o quelcom. Tenia un osset de peluix quan era xicoteta i l’estimava; era el meu millor amic, però tenia dos patrons en forma d’espiral en el pèl que feien el mateix, i quan veia aquests dos patrons en forma d’espiral em donaven ganes de vomitar i m’espantaven i em feia por. Jo no el mirava, m’agradava, era un dels pocs joguets que tenia que eren molt bons, així que els cobria, al final el pèl en la part superior del seu cap, on té una urpa, es va desgastar, però el del maluc no. Fins i tot al final, quan jo era adulta, no podia mirar aquest dibuix sense que em donaren ganes de vomitar. He intentat buscar-lo, no pareix quelcom hipnòtic, no pareix res que haja vist, mai m’he quedat atrapada en un remolí ni res d’això. Mai he caigut en cap lloc que pareguera un remolí en el cas que caiguera dins, i no té res a veure amb desaigües. No tinc ni idea de què ho provoca. He tingut por de la foscor i altres coses així, i m’hi he enfrontat tancant-me en una habitació fosca. Però no trobe la manera d’enfrontar-m’hi. I quan veig aquest patró, tota la meua vida se’n veu afectada durant tot el dia, la meua vida queda arruïnada si veig aquest dibuix. Ni tan sols he de veure’l directament. Puc veure’l en la meua visió perifèrica o quelcom, i m’afectarà, i més tard recordaré que l’havia vist. Tan bon punt el reconec... fins i tot ara que estic parlant-ne, els muscles, els dits dels peus i els braços se’m tensen. Ni tan sols puc parlar-ne, em fa tanta por i no tinc ni idea per què, si només és un dibuix. No
Gillian Wearing
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